Reprehensible Machine

Another quote from JCV and NNY

“The passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for ones own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often. It seems, I’ve succumbed to less than admirable compulsions driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without – desires and urges and what not. So extraneous…”

NNY’s last diary entry.

I nice thought, but is it really possible? These compulsions I feel. The giant Hamburger guy said you can’t get away from them. Feel. Obey. Succumb. Sure you can get away from them. Perhaps you can quiet them with a good meal. Or a good television show. Perhaps a good movie. But when you wake up and come back to reality, there they are. Pounding away at the steering wheel, trying to drive you back of course.

My creativity. My person. Its all. falling apart it feels. I walk in a sea of confusion. A constant feeling that I’m going the wrong way. And nothing. No-one. Not a single sign from anything or anybody is telling me otherwise.

It’s like that thought we had. About being comforted. Nothing is comforting me. Nothing is holding me or hugging me or telling me that everything is going to be alright. Im not fit to be a pillar for anything or anyone. Not in my current state. … my current state. … No we’re back to thinking about Colonel Etnad and his daughter Ashley. The only one constant in life is your ability to change yourself. And still yet we have nothing. Nothing to show for all those thoughts.

Its the compulsion thats needs to be fixed yes? That desire. It seems to be getting in the way. I need to get it out of the way. Cut it. Spoon it out of the muck. Out of the machine.