“we think we can live away from what we have, but are defined by those very things, it feeds upon us… Sustained by our belief that we are doing something right. We think we are so great in our protest… but we just become the bitter offspring of what we oppose. we become prisoners in our own cages.” JCV JTHM

To become the product of the very things you hate? Is to give into them, yes? It would mean that although you are trying to get away from them, trying to show that you are better than them, you become a product of them. In effect allowing them more control. Allowing them to define what you become and your actions.

How does one find themselves though, if they do not let themselves evolve from their surroundings? To do the opposite of what people expect you to do is to still become a product of those people.

More badly constructed melodramatic prose caused by JCV. But lets keep with it. … It’s fun.

So I am the product of my surroundings. I get this. Its like the thing about twins who grow up separated at birth. They evolve in accordance with their surroundings. Given a nurturing life, one can grow up to be just as nurturing. Given a life of suffering and pain, and one will grow up to be a byproduct of that as well.

So where do I fall in. How can I describe myself and then find ways of connecting my current self to the events or stimulus that I was given throughout my life? Why would I want to do this? Perhaps to explain why I have taken the “actions” that I have taken. Some part of me asks me every day, “How did we get here? Is this where we want to be?”. Of course one can spend hours upon hours trying to figure out how one is where they are. But would it not be better, a more productive use of ones time, to spend that time figuring out what to do next now that you are where you are. … hmmm… but then that doesn’t solve it does it. It would just correct the current problem, the current situation. It would not at all stop if from every reoccurring. So based on this, it would be important to first understand how one got somewhere before they figured out where they are going next.

So where am i?

Where Am I?

I am at work. Not exactly working. But not exactly taking a break. I’m waiting for a phone call. I can’t really do anything before I take this phone call, so I will most likely just wait. Wait and Write… or type as it were. …. “as it were”… I don’t think I used that correctly. And the first rule of using something that you aren’t sure you are using it correctly… is to not use it at all…. as it were.

So I’m also 26. Twenty six years of life. Six years of life in my twenties. This is of course obvious. But to actually say it makes it feel … different. A reality. Like realizing you need a hair cut or that your finger nails have grown too long. Something must be done.

So I have a job. A good job. A job that thankfully puts the knowledge I have learned from college and the skills I have thus far gained from previous jobs, to use. “To use,” on a daily basis. It is somewhat satisfying to know that everything you’ve learned and all the preparation you have done before seriously entering the professional workforce… is being used.

………. brb.

Val appeared in my dream last night. It was a normal dream about doing normal things. I feel like Starcraft was involved. It’s weird seeing Val in dreams. I wonder if he has become some sort of disconnected mental voice that I have created in my head. No longer an actual person I once knew, but now a voice that speaks like him and makes comments similar to those that he would make.

I wonder if any lights went on just then……

I had a dream that Andrea had the ability to clone herself. So she was able to create 2 clones of herself, making it a total of 3 Andreas. It was a little overwhelming. And all three of them just wanted 1 thing.

Then I woke up.

Today I installed a few window roller blinds.

I also installed a lighting fixture in the kitchen

My roommate put glass in my rice and stabbed me with tweezers. I bled.

I think its time to buy a new roommate.